This morning, I woke up and just felt pretty much like--blah. I wouldn't say I felt sick exactly, but I definitely was not feeling good. My head was hurting and my stomach was twisted, but not in that "I for sure have the flu" kind of way. It all seemed to be stemming from my heart, which was a feeling I hadn't felt in a while. It then hit me--I felt this way around this time last year. Kinda.
I knew that this time of the year was going to be hard. Of course, right? Loss is hard--and the grieving process is harder. But as I was attempting to process today, I realized that instead of working through that grieving process, I had just pushed all the trauma I had experienced last holiday season because it never seemed to stop. Three losses of prominent figures in my life, three individuals who represented three of the most important parts of who I am, three lives that I will never cross paths with on this Earth again. And once the 24 days had passed, I was expected to return to my last semester of undergrad like normal. Without taking the time to grieve.
Now, I would definitely be overdramatic if I claimed that these three individuals were my three best friends who I talked to every single day. I sadly did not communicate with any of the three as often as I should have. However, these three individuals represented three facets of my life that 100% molded me into the person I am today. By losing these people, I lost a little bit of what made those things so special.
On December 15, 2018, my Nanny passed away. This death was long and drawn out, as she had been diagnosed with cancer years before and had slowly been declining. She had entered the hospital around Thanksgiving of that year and never left. I spent hours with my mom at the hospital, eating McDonald's and chatting until midnight. The specific weekend of her passing, I was coordinating a weekend program at Camp Joy. I had debated even going to camp that weekend, but my parents told me I should and reassured me that because of her health at that point, she wouldn't pass while I was gone and everything would be okay. My program had just returned from a field trip to the zoo and had started our Polar Express evening programming when I got the call. I made the usual three hour trip into about two, racing home to be with my family at that point. During the car ride, I tried to process. My Nanny cared so much about the safety of the people she cared about that I KNEW she would've been upset to know how fast I sped home. Yet, she would've just said something like "well, that just means you'll need to call every time you get home now". She truly was the glue that held things together in family, and her love of other people is something that I strive to express every day. She made an impact on my life since I was very young.
On December 26, 2018, Audrey Davis passed away. This was a huge shock to my camp family and I will never forget the phone call I received, telling me the news and asking if I could call others to inform. At that specific moment, I knew I had a job to do, so I don't think my body and mind allowed me to process the news that I was relaying. Instead of taking any time to do so--I jumped into action. I worked on details for Audrey's memorial service at camp, I made a slideshow of Audrey's accomplishments at camp, and helped plan details that would best honor the impact that she had made at Joy. In the midst of all this, I never took the time to consider what this loss meant to me. While Audrey and I were never super close, we began our camp journey together in the summer of 2016. Neither one of us knew what we were really getting into, and neither one of us knew how much we would evolve during those months. Audrey touched the lives of so many kids in a place that I call my saving grace. Without the influence of people like Audrey, the direction my life would be going in right now would look so much different. Places like Camp Joy and people like Audrey are what I owe my education, career path, and discovery of purpose to.
On January 8, 2019, Taylor Nolan passed away. This was a shock to my university and a giant wake-up call to the nature of individuals all across the school. I had seen on various different social medias that a student at the University of Kentucky had passed away in the middle of the night before, but a name had not been released yet. I then got a text message from someone else in FCCLA, the organization in which I know Taylor, saying that it was her who had passed. I was somewhat in disbelief, and was not convinced entirely until it was officially released. The feeling I had was different from the others I had been having in these last 23 days--I'm not sure if that's because I was shocked that there was another death in my circle, or because this situation was different--Taylor had taken her own life. The girl who I had met in high school through an organization called FCCLA, a girl who I had directly passed my state first vice president position off to. I had the opportunity to work with Taylor in many FCCLA-related facets, and watch her blossom in the role of first vice president. Taylor had an abundance of charisma and charm, some of which was natural and some of which was taught by the organization that helped me so much. In that kind of role that we shared, it took some serious leadership skill--and I am not just saying that to seem like I did something cool. That role molded me into the leader that I am today, and I felt the same about Taylor. Taylor attended the same university that I did, but we lost touch when I went to school. I would be lying if I said that was not something in the back of my mind a lot--what if we HADN'T lost touch? I understand that it may not have changed anything, but I can't help but wonder.
Writing this post has definitely helped me process all of the chaos that occurred in those 24 days last year. My family, Camp Joy, and FCCLA are three different facets of my life that I owe so much to. And within those three things were three incredible individuals who made my experiences in them as priceless as they are. The world is forever changed by the loss of Nanny, Audrey and Taylor. And that change took place in 24 days.
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